Special Kids, Special Needs: The Ups, Downs, and Everything Inbetween

Meltdowns, mood swings, sensory issues, arguments, lack of communication, late nights, loss of sleep, school confernces, doctors, doctors and more doctors. These are just a few things that many parents of special needs children experience on a daily basis. But ask any parent how they deal with life having a child with special needs, most will look at you smile and say it is tough but amazing. Though challenging and sometimes down right heart breaking, the feats that these kids can acomplish and adversities they can overcome truely are amazing. Watching any child grow up and reach milestones is a joy that millions of parents share every day, all over our planet. However watching a child struggle, watching them become sick, or disabled, be made fun of or simply ignored, try to communicate and fail, are all hardships that too many parents face everyday. Yet most of them persevere and help their children to the best of their ability. Receiving pure elation when a child who couldn't speak for five years utters their first word, or a child who has feeding issues finally takes a bite, chews, and swallows on their own, a first grader who no longer needs to wear a diaper, a deaf child who received a cochlear implant hearing your voice for the first time. A few examples of why all the bad days are worth that one amazing moment in a child's life. The best part, that as a caregiver of a special needs child, you receive the purest and most complete form of adoration and love from a child who is so dependant on you. Even the children who cannot say or show the love they have, most parents would say they still feel it from them. I doubt any of those parents would tell you their life is easy, but they could name a hundred reasons why their child is special in every sense of the word. And why their special kids make them and their life better in every way.

It all begins with a pregnancy, during that time you develop hopes and dreams for a child. It is almost impossible not to have expectations and ideas of who that tiny person will become. Maybe a doctor, lawyer, or professional athlete. She will be kind and beautiful, he will be smart and respectful. It never occurs to you that the most common expectation that every parent shares is that your child will be 'normal'. So when your child is diagnosed with a disability such as autism, many if not all of your preconceived notions of what your child's life would have been like are shattered. The feeling of loss can be overwhelming. And for many, completely devastating. The imagined arguments over cell phone bills, borrowing the car, first dates, graduation and going to college, bringing home a girlfriend or boyfriend...all anticipated events that fade away from your child's future like a sun setting behind the horizon. The loss of dreams and hopes of the future can bring about various stages of coping.

• Denial- It is human nature to handle a terribly difficult situation by simply pretending that it does not exist. Many parents make excuses for the reasons for diagnosis, because of pure disbelief that something like this could happen to them.  It may seem unhealthy to friends or family,  and it can be if you do not begin to accept the diagnosis of your child. However denial is a way of protecting yourself, and allowing the mind to absorb all the facts. Trust that acceptance will eventually come.
• Anger- Hearing that your child has a life long disability of which there is unknown cause, no known cure, and no absolute or effective treatment, is enough to make even the most reserved parent angry.  It is important to acknowledge the anger and confusion, and displace it appropriately.
• Bargaining/Desperation- It is common that parents of newly diagnosed kiddo's will do or try just about anything to "cure" or "recover" ASD.  Many spend hours researching treatments and it is hard to resist those promising products that claim to 'fix' your child.  Please remember your vulnerability in this area, there are more than a few out there who have no problem selling you the latest autism cure, for a low and more than "reasonable" price, and then are never to be heard from again. This is a time when your are processing and beginning to understand your child's diagnosis.
• Depression- At times you may feel like you can handle anything thrown at you, and then hours later you may feel completely helpless and unable to protect or help your child.  There will be many times when you can not make life easier or any better for you or your autistic child, and that will leave you feeling broken and hopeless.  There will be times when living in a world with locked doors, destroyed furniture, and no communication will have you feeling lost and alone.  It is normal to experience these feelings of hopelessness when you cannot solve all the problems your child may be facing.  Remind yourself that tomorrow will be easier and the depressed feelings will pass. Making a plan, even if it is just for the next day often helps make you feel a bit more prepared to face the day.
• Acceptance- I also like to think of this as the action stage.  This is when you finally feel alright and accept tht you have an autistic child. And this is usually when you really get started doing whatever you can to ensure your child does the best that they can.  Also realizing that different is not the end for your child, it only requires that your hopes and dreams adapt and be calibrated into a new pattern of thought. 

It is important for you to remember that ASD is not caused by parental neglect, you did not cause this, and feeling guilty or hating yourself for a wrong you haven't committed will not change the fact that your child was diagnosed.  You may experience all or none of the emotions described above, but never allow anyone to make you feel guilty for experiencing them.  It is normal for you to have these feelings, and important to work through the stages so that you may assist your child as best you can. 

Once your child has been diagnosed,contact your local early intervention programs and start getting services for them right away.  Your child's doctor can usually assist you with a referral.